


Over the Edge

by ruuinxs



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Attempted Suicide, Lots of Angst, M/M, Therapy, im not crying you are, supportive boyfriend, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-26
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:55:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24147751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ruuinxs/pseuds/ruuinxs
Summary: Tobio’s a mess, and he knows Hinata can’t save him from this one.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio
Comments: 2
Kudos: 70





	Over the Edge

Kageyama’s eyes fluttered open, being met by squinting, brown eyes staring back at him. They were still painted with sleep, but Kageyama couldn’t care less, reaching forward to subconsciously kiss at the eyelids. 

“Morning,” he muttered in a tired, groggy voice, his throat parched. He didn’t sleep well at all the previous night and it was biting him in the ass, not being able to catch up on sleep. 

The figure beside him hummed in response, shivering and pulling the covers further up onto them. He closed his eyes for a moment, and then opened them again, staring right back into Kageyama’s once more. The latter of the two sheepishly smiled, barely noticeable, but enough for the other to return the gesture. 

“G’morning,” he said after a moment, in a heavenly soft spoken tone. He shifted his body awkwardly forward before cuddling up to Kageyama and kissing his jaw, for that was the only place the shorter one could reach without becoming uncomfortable and stretching. 

Kageyama, however, needed to stretch, and he cracked his back as he lifted his arms up, careful not to smack the other in his face. “Babe, I’m gonna go make breakfast, coffee?”

“Mmmhhh.. Yeah...” the boy in question grumbled, feeling discomfort as Kageyama got off the bed and the weight changed. He watched as his boyfriend plodded out of the room with his long legs. 

He yawned, twisting is body and earning a crack from his back similar to Kageyama’s. He groaned, pushing off the covers, realising he wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep with the sunlight pushing its way into the room and scattering random objects with light. He reached out his hand and watched it glimmer in the light that peaked through, wondering how hot his hand would become if he left it there all day. 

Despite his random thoughts, though, he lazily slid off the side of the bed and made his way through the room, entering the hallway and hearing sounds come from the kitchen. Kageyama was an amazing cook, which is one of the only reasons he ever gave himself to get out of bed. Well, that, and the fact that Kageyama would no longer be in the bed with him. And he always wanted to be with that grumpy, cute face of his. 

Following mostly his nose, he found himself standing in the room where all the action was happening. A shirtless Kageyama stood there, in front of the stove, cooking something that smelled amazing. 

“Mmh, Tobio, that smells great,” he said, striding over to his boyfriend and wrapping his arms around his mid-torso, practically the highest he could reach from such a position. He rested his head in between strong shoulder blades, enjoying Kageyama’s warmth. 

“Hello to you, too, sleepy head,” said male chuckled, earning a grunt from the smaller boy. “You’re coffee’s right over there,” he added, nodding his head in the direction of a mug. “Lots of milk and sugar, how you like it.”

“Thank you,” he sing-songed, hopping over to the brightly covered mug and taking a sip. He moaned in delight at the caffeine, drinking almost all of it before Kageyama could finish cooking the last egg. 

“Amazing,” he marvelled at the empty glass with a coffee moustache, smiling widely up at Kageyama. 

“Breakfast is ready, Hinata,” Kageyama claimed as he set their plates down and grabbed forks. Hinata dug in at lightning speed, eating in a hurry. 

“Slow down, you’re gonna choke,” Kageyama said, trying to get Hinata to slow down before he died. Hinata listened, knowing that Kageyama knew better and was just worried, so he calmed down and ate slower. 

Hinata’s phone ringed with a notification, but the carrot head ignored it and continued eating. This caused his phone to erupt with more and more notifications, making him groan and get the device to check what was going on. 

“Ah, hold on Kageyama, I need to call Kenma real fast!”

Kageyama just nodded and continued eating, pushing aside any thoughts at all. 

“Hey Kenma! Yeah! How’s Kuroo? Good! Yeah, I’m free this weekend!” 

This comment made Kageyama’s heart drop a little lower in his chest, because he really just wanted to cuddle Hinata all day and maybe sleep a little, and just be with his boyfriend. But that wasn’t going to happen, because the next thing Hinata said was, “yeah! I’ll see you later!”

Hinata hung up, putting his phone back down and going to back to eating. When he had his last bite, he started up a conversation. “Kenma and I are hanging out today, wanna come?”

Kageyama just looked down at his plate and shook his head, wanting to say yes but not wanting to be a burden and interrupt Hinata’s funday. Hinata frowned at this, but then it faded away as he piped up to his usual self once again, jumping around the kitchen to help clean. He ran past Kageyama, pecking his lips real fast. “Imma go shower!”

Kageyama nodded at his statement half-heartedly, caught up in his own head. He snapped out of his thoughts and was brought back into the world as he heard the shower start to run. He shook his head lightly, not having meant to space out. 

He was lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling, not realise Hinata had already finished showering walked into the room. He had a pair of jeans on and was fishing around for a shirt when Kageyama finally noticed he was there, jumping slightly when Hinata asked where his shirt was. 

When Hinata was all set and ready, he called out to Kageyama to tell him he was leaving. However, when he didn’t get a response, he went into the bedroom to find Kageyama still lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling, same as twenty minutes ago. 

“HINATA BOKE!” Kageyama yelled when Hinata flopped onto him, spreading his limbs everywhere and sighing contently. “I said I was leaving, Bakeyama.”

Kageyama groaned, but it was cut of as Hinata linked their lips together in a soft kiss. Hinata’s lips were always soft, so Kageyama lightly melted at the feel of them. 

“Okay, I’m off, don’t miss me too much!” Hinata joked, even though Kageyama knew he probably needed to be told so anyhow. 

Kageyama heard the door close and key lock as Hinata left, leaving Kageyama alone with his thoughts. 

————————

When Hinata arrived home from a nice day at the arcade, he called out to his boyfriend, assuming he would greet him at the door. He wandered around and made his way into their bedroom, concluding that Kageyama was in there.

Now, though, he wished he had been wrong. 

When we walked in, Kageyama was seated there, on the edge of their bed, hands bleeding and cuts being mixed with sweat and tears. 

Kageyama used to have a habit of digging his nails into his palms whenever he got nervous or had an anxiety attack. He never cut or bit his nails, so they were quite long and sharp. As a result, whenever he preformed this nervous habit, he’d often break skin. It was so bad one time that he had to wear gloves for a while just to prevent himself from doing it. 

And now, knowing that the habit wasn’t broken, Hinata felt a twinge of guilt hit him. He wasn’t there when whatever happened, happened. He wasn’t there, and now Kageyama was hurting and he wasn’t there to help him. 

He silently made his way to his bed, slightly nauseous at the sight of the blood that gushed from the gashes. 

“Tobio,” he muttered, grabbing his boyfriend’s hands, which seemed to startle him as he pulled away quickly with wide, teary eyes that were bloodshot red, like he hadn’t slept in a month. 

“Tobio,” he mumbled again, rushing into the bathroom to grab bandages, succeeding and returning to his boyfriend’s side as fast as possible. Kageyama was silent the entire time, and he stared at his hands, still silently crying. His mind was blank and he couldn’t see anything, just wishing he could disappear without anyone caring. Scratch that, he could disappear and no one would care. So why couldn’t he just go already?

He hadn’t even realised that his hands were fully wrapped up until Hinata crashed onto him, holding him tightly. He wanted to sit there, wanted to hug him, but something in the back of his mind told him something different. Despite wanting to, he listened to it and slowly pushed his boyfriend away from his body, grinding his teeth as he felt pain seethe from his hands. 

He looked up to see Hinata staring at him, not quite upset or mad or disappointed, it was something behind his eyes that Kageyama failed to place. So he refused to look into those eyes, staring down at his lap instead. The silence was piercing and Kageyama’s ears rang, not knowing what to do or even what he was doing. 

“I’m being selfish...” he hoarsely whispered, throat muscles clenching up. Hinata simply cocked his head to the side, confused and also startled by his boyfriend’s sudden outburst. 

“Wha-“ he started, but was cut off. 

“I’m being selfish, aren’t I? Or self centred? I feel like I have to apologise for everything. Every little thing I do. And it’s annoying, because it’s just habit at this point. And I feel guilty for it, because then it makes me think it’s my fault! Which most of it isn’t my fault, but I think of it like that and it makes me conceded. And I can’t even tell anyone how I feel, I can’t put thoughts into words. I don’t know how. I don’t know how, and it scares me because I don’t know! Everything I don’t know, it terrifies me. What’s the point of all of this? What’s the point of life? To love? To have fun, and then die? If the Earth exploded tomorrow, what would have been the whole point of our existence? Just, poof. Like that. And we’re gone, and nothing makes sense. Nothing. Life is something silly we came up with to just make ourselves feel okay that we’re here! A tiny rock, in the middle of a vast, never ending black space, and what does it matter that we exist? We created the idea and thought of the universe, the planets and the Earth, but it’s just rocks and balls of gas. But I can’t even call it that, those are just terms we use to fill in that random slit of everything we don’t know! We don’t know anything. It’s all something we tell ourselves to make us think we matter somewhere. And I’m rambling! I’m stuck with these thoughts, these stupid, stupid thoughts. Everyone of them is a fight, that I have to put up with! And now they’re winning, taking over. They don’t go away, Shōyō! And I deal with it, I try to! And I put it away, I hide it, and I know it’s not healthy, but I don’t want you or anyone to have to worry about me, I don’t want to be a burden.”

Hinata didn’t know how to respond to this. He gazed at Kageyama, unable to find an appropriate enough response. He was dumbfounded, not having known Kageyama felt this way. His chest ached as he took in his boyfriend’s words, trying to make sense of it all as Kageyama’s breathing became heavy. 

“I don’t think you’re conceded, or self centred,” he said quietly after a while. “I don’t think anything’s your fault, and you don’t have to apologise, but it just means you’re a good person if you do. And I don’t know either, babe. I really don’t. I don’t know the point of it, none of us do. But sometimes it’s easier to pretend. It’s like a game, so let’s play along with it. And trust me, you’ll never be a burden. It’s my job to take care of you, isn’t it? So let me do my job, just relax.”

Hinata reached over to hug Kageyama, and this time the other didn’t push him away. They sat like that a while, Hinata half laying on Kageyama, letting him snuggle into his fluffy hair, wanting nothing more than to help his partner. 

“I don’t deserve you..” Kageyama said out of nowhere. Hinata shook his head, responding by kissing his cheek and saying, “don’t say that, you deserve the world.”

All this did was cause Kageyama to tear up again, shaking his head quickly. 

“Hey, hey.. Shh... It’s okay...” Hinata cooed, trying to calm Kageyama down. “I just want you to be happy babe, please look at me, I need you, I want you to smile...”

Hinata looked up into Kageyama’s red, wet eyes, almost crying at the sight himself. He outstretched his hand, brushing his knuckles lightly across salty stained cheeks. And they stayed like that. Just together. Lying in bed, Hinata whispering sweet nothing’s to Kageyama, the smaller one falling asleep slowly after on top of the black haired male. 

Sleep never took him over, however, so all he did was lie there and stare at the ceiling. 

————————

Kageyama loved staring at the ceiling. No matter the colour, or where he was at. It let his mind imagine how high up he could reach into the sky, wondering what the world would look like from such a view. 

But now, but now he was tired of just trying to imagine it. Staring at the cold, empty frame wasn’t enough anymore. So he let his legs carry him where his mind told them to go. 

Up the stairs, to the point where his legs were about to give out. Why he took the stairs, he does not know. An elevator would have been easier. But he just listened to the back of his mind like he always did, not paying attention to the most obvious of points his brain would try to make.

Kageyama also loved the thrill you would get from being so high up. Like a roller coaster, when it creeped up the top and zoomed down, making your stomach do flips. He loved that feeling, heading headfirst down into the depth of wherever he was headed. 

So that’s what he did. Tips of his toes slipping as his whole body shook, but he didn’t realise it. He enjoyed the view from 50 stories up. He enjoyed the wind that slapped his face unforgivingly. He enjoying the cars flying on the road that looked like ants from up so high. 

He wanted to reach and touch all of it. The wind, the ground so, so far below him. But most important, the sky. He felt it ironic that he was going to go down, even though he wanted to touch the blue that painted the atmosphere. But he knew that soon enough, he’d be able to hold the clouds in his hands, and feel like air all around him, and he’d be free. 

Or at least, he thought he would. 

————————

“Why would you try to kill yourself?” A lady with short hair and a firm suit on asks as she sits across the room on a separate chair. It was the fourth time she’d asked the question this week, having gotten no response each time. 

She sighed, realising this wasn’t going to be any different than the last four times, adjusting her position and staring daggers into Kageyama. 

A year. That’s how long it had been. He tried to jump, to fly, and he did. And then he hit the ground, and it was over. It was great. Besides how nothing was over, it was all temporary. So he woke up in a hospital a week later, Hinata worried sick and sleep deprived. The sight made Kageyama want to go back to sleep again. 

All his boyfriend could do was mutter his name like some robot, over and over again. Kageyama couldn’t bear the idea of Hinata being left broken like that. His heart dropped in his chest and his mind went blank when he was reminded of it. 

Hinata’s words still rung through his ear, repeatedly. 

“I just want you to be happy.”

To be happy. What does that even mean? Kageyama was happy, when he was with Hinata. Why did he think dying would make anything better?

“I thought,” he started, breaking the silence and making the woman across from him stop shuffling for a moment. 

“I thought that, if I wouldn’t be here, that he would realise he didn’t need me. He would realise there was no need to worry about me, and he could finally be free. He wouldn’t have to deal with a burden like me. I didn’t want to leave him, though,” Kageyama’s voice cracked at the end, but his face stayed blank and expressionless. 

“He doesn’t need me. And he knows it. But he loves me anyway.”

**Author's Note:**

> LISTEN- i found this in my drafts, i was using it as a rant- sorry for the angst, this is like a few months old too, so just yEah


End file.
